Words on my Mind
by dragonleas
Summary: Stan had read all of Journal 1 over the course of 30 years, only some of 2 since he nabbed it from the ground when that little freak Gideon got arrested, now he held Journal 3 in his hands when his great nephew, Dipper, let him borrowed it for the night. What secrets does this Journal hold for him about his brother? What did his brother write about him in it?


_Perhaps he can yet prove his worth to me. Perhaps the mistakes of the past can be undone._

Stanley remembered when he first saw those words when Dipper had lent him the journal to look at. He was photocopying the pages at the time, not paying attention at what was written in the text. He didn't remember why that page grabbed his attention, but when he saw it, he felt his heart skip a beat. Those words… After all this time Stanford thought he was worthless. Just because he made one mistake that he didn't mean to. And all it led to was all these other mistakes that built up over the course of his life.

He remembered staying awake that night, working on the portal, trying to find the effort to keep going, because if he was so worthless, than why was he even trying to fix this damnable thing? It was just going to fail just like everything else he did! It was his fault Ford couldn't go to the college he wanted to, his fault he had to settle here in this hick town, his FAULT that his brother was lost in some god forsaken dimension with no means to escape! IT WAS ALWAYS HIS FAULT!

Yeah, that night was one of the bad nights. Stan remembered the next bad one where the words on the page came back to haunt him yet again. The night his brother came out of the portal, and yet he almost lost him again then too. If it wasn't for Mabel… No… It wasn't good to think on the what ifs now. He came out and is back, even if he got punched in the face instead of a proper thank you. After everything was taken care of, that was when the words came back. The fight. When Ford told him to get out of the Shack by the end of summer. It shocked Stan, but then again, it shouldn't have. To Ford, Stan was still useless, worthless in his eyes. He laid in his bed that night, just thinking about those words that Ford wrote in that journal and how he acted towards him. It made sense to him to act like that, but Stan refuse to let Ford near the kids. He might be worthless in his brother's eyes, but he'll be damned if he would be worthless in the kids' eyes.

Then Bill happened. That blasted demon attacked the town and most of all went after his family. He couldn't do anything to help the kids as they ran from the giant shape-shifting demon as him and his brother were trapped in the cage. He finally felt worthless to them. As Ford talked about another was to get rid of the demon and they decided to trick him, it was then the words came again. It was that this time, Stan felt relief. He wasn't being worthless anymore. He was doing something worthwhile for once and it was going to work. He looked at his brother dressed as him and gave him a pat on the back.

"We can do this Poindexter."

His brother for once gives a small smile in return, like if he was unsure of something. He was worried, but Stan couldn't guess about what. Was he worried that he would screw it up again? Like he always does? Does he still see him as worthless?

"Yeah, we can Lee."

Stan lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. They hear the rumbling throughout the Fearamid, signaling the monster's return. They both look at each other, nodding their heads once.

Now here Stan was in his mind, watching the blue flames burning around him. There wasn't much time left as he just punched the dream demon into oblivion. He looked down at the photo of him an the kids. The words that once haunted him from that journal, no longer could hurt him anymore.

"I've finally proved my worth to you Stanford. I'm not worthless. Heh. Guess I was good for something after all."

And then the blue fire engulfed him.

—

Stanford watched as Stanley shook Bill's hand and proceeded to enter his mind. This was his chance to end things once and for all with the demon, but it would be at the cost of losing his brother. He still doesn't understand why Stan would go through with something like this. Why sacrifice himself? It wasn't him! Stanley always did things for himself and never for anyone else. He just can't fathom…

Then it hits him. Stan read the journals, all of them. With sudden insight he remembered what he wrote in the last journal that would make Stan do something like this. Those words… The ones where he basically called him worthless. Suddenly, his finger pulled in the trigger and there was the flash of light. It was done. Stanley Pines was gone forever.

When everything was back to normal, he saw his brother kneeling on the ground with his face still looking up at the sky. Ford felt the guilt rising up inside of him. What had he done? This wasn't right! If it wasn't for this metal plate… It should of been him, not Stan! Why didn't he see this sooner!? He rushed over to his brother and put his arms around him, even though he knew the person there was no longer his brother. No longer was Stanley.

How long had he been thinking on those words he wrote? How long had he thought himself as worthless because of those words? Oh god, and after they fought… Ford couldn't take it as the tears rushed down his face.

"I'm sorry Lee. I'm so sorry!" he cried as he hugged his brother harder, "I should have never wrote those words and then you would have never done this. You are not worthless!" The man in his grip said nothing, still in his daze from the memory wipe and would remain so until a few minutes later. It wouldn't be until after Stan got his memory back and they are on the boat that they discuss things.

"Ford?" Stan asked, looking at his brother from where he sat on his bunk. Ford was busy writing in his new journal that he made for the trip. It had both his hand and Stan's fez symbol on it. He looked over at his brother as he stopped writing and smiled at him.

"Yeah Lee?" he replied. Stan looked a bit confused at something, like he was struggling to remember a memory correctly. Both of them found out soon after the summer ended, that while Stan did regain most of his memories back, there was still ones that seem either fuzzy or coming back slowly over time. Some memories seem to take other triggers to remember them. Ford and the kids agreed not to mention anything about the demon around Stan just in case, and so far he hasn't had any memory of Bill return. Which was a blessing in of itself.

"I seem to remember something. From that old journal of yours," Stan started. Ford freeze at the words, but he didn't say anything. Stanley noticed the tension, and he stuttered with the next part. "Do yo… you re… really thi… think me wort… worthless?"

Whatever Ford was expecting Stan to say, it wasn't that. He stared at Stan, unsure of what to say at first. How could? After all this time? Ford sighed, but he got up and walked over and sat next to his brother on the bunk.

"After all this time together at sea, you really think I think you worthless after something I wrote ages ago?" he asked with a chuckle. Stan looked at him and smiled sheepishly. Ford placed a hand on his brother's back. "Yeah, I wrote and thought that way back then. I was angry and stupid. I can admit that now. You, Stanley Pines, are not worthless by a long shot. You are a valued partner, a great friend, and an amazing brother. You are the hero in the eyes of many people, even if you don't remember why. That is not even being close to worthless Lee."

Stan looked at him with tears in his eyes. It was rare for the old man to show any type of soft emotion, but to Ford he did. He hugged his brother and Ford hugged him back. They held each other for a long time.

"Thank Sixer," he said finally as the tears subsided. Ford could only smile.

"Don't worry about the memory or the past," he said, "Let's just focus on the now. High Six?" Ford holds up his hand for his brother to smack.

"High Six!" Stan shouted with a laugh, almost looking like a younger version of himself as he smacked his brother's six-fingered hand and both brothers went about to their business.


End file.
